Toilet Humour & Fart Jokes

2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.

American bloke says: "What you doin?"

"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."

The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."

 


What would you call the definition of surprise?
Answer: A fart with a lump in it.

 


You know, one time I farted so badly that I had to spend 15 years in jail....for air pollution.

 

Teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants then..."
 


Confucius say, Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

 


A guy sits in front of TV all day, farting like there's no tommorrow.
But not just gassy airish farts, I'm talking mega greasy wet ones, the kind that would make your dog puke.
The wife, understandably is angry as f**k, and says: "one day Honey, you are gonna fart your guts out."
THe next Sunday, as wife is preparing Turkey for sunday lunch, Hubbie falls asleep.
THe wife spies an opportunity to get her own back, so she takes the innards of the turkey and places them in the underwear her husband is wearing. She then went back to cooking the turkey. Later on that night, her husband came to the dinner table looking very frightened.

"What happened?" asked his wife.

"Well," the man said, "you were right. I farted my guts out."

"What did you do?" asked his wife.

"Well with the Grace of God and these two fingers I got 'em all back up in there!"

 


A Belch is just one gust of wind,
That cometh from thy Heart...
But should it take the downward trend,
It turns into a Fart

 


Hi, you're through to the Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please?

 


Why do farts stink? So that deaf people can enjoy them also!

 

A bloke is taking a piss down a lane when a Copper spots him.
"Oi Guvnor, you cant do that here!!! It'll cost you a 45 quid fine."
The bloke gives him a 50 quid note and the Cop says: "But I haven't any change"
"No worries, you can keep it," says the bloke..."cos I dropped a couple of farts as well...."

 

How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.

 


What is Green and Smelly? - The Hulk's farts...

 


Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player?
He wanted to buy a bowel.

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