Jokes about the Disabled & People in WheelchairsATTENTION: If you are easily offended by jokes about disabled people, jokes containing sexual and adult content then I would probably advise you to switch off now and read no further. The majority of the jokes contained in this section are certainly not suitable for children.
What's the definition of the word "Tight"?
Planting a bomb under somone in a wheelchair, putting their brakes on, and saying "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"!
A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...'
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?? The wheelchair floats to the top
Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!
There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
There was a man who got into a car accident.
He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.
The doctor said, "He was going to be all right."
Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help.
It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him.
He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.
The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair , Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not disabled ."
The boy replied,"I will be when my dad finds out whose life I just saved."
One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on the boardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying.
He decides to be a good samaritan and asks her what's wrong.
She replies sadly, "I've never been hugged."
So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way.
The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been kissed."
So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.
The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong.
She replies, "I've never been screwed."
So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, "Now, you're screwed!"
A couple of tetraplegics go up to an ice cream van and ask, "can we have a couple of 99's please?"
The ice cream man says, "certainly, would you like chocolate sauce or strawberry sauce?"
One of the tetraplegics replies, "it doesn't really matter mate... we're gonna to drop 'em anyway."
A man is walking down the street and sees a guy at a bus stop with no arms or legs.
He calls to him, "hey mate, how are you getting on?"
Manuel Pellegrini has spent £100 million on autistic players in the last six months
All they can do now is draw
I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group
Perhaps calling it 'splastics on elastic' wasn't my finest hour
So I've got a new girlfriend
She invited me around to her place for dinner the other night
We were in the kitchen, just about to start making dinner when she asked me to turn on the veg
Apparently, fingering her tetraplegic daughter was not the right move...
Police today arrested a thalidomide couple at Heathrow airport
They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane
A boy who couldn't see, hear, smell, feel or taste punched me in the face yesterday
I told him there was no need for senseless violence
I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled!
After all, they can't even stand up for themselves
I met a bloke in a wheelchair today, his face was battered and bruised
"What happened to your face?" I asked
"I am a Paralympian," he replied
"Boxing?" I enquired
"No..." He said, "... Hurdles"
What's got four wheels and flies?
A dead cripple
I was using the car park the other day and the sign on the ticket machine said: Disabled Must Pay
I agree, it's about time someone stood up to them
I was playing Scrabble and put down S-P-A-S-T-I-C
Got a cripple word score for that
Stephen Hawking went on a date last night
She left after 15 minutes complaining that she didn't like his tone