Great Comebacks and Insults

Don't talk about yourself so much ... we'll do that when you leave
The reason you'd even call me that, tells me that you're ignorant, un-classy, and illiterate
I have way more important things to do than thinking about what you have to say to me.
You're not human, you're a black hole that sucks the life out of people, and I'm done with you.
I don't treat people the way you do, because I know that giving insults to people, and showing no class, shows how much of a person you really are, and how worthless you are of anyone's time.
I would insult you back but Mother Natures has already done such a fine job, I just couldn't compete.
I'm a lot better than what you have to look at in the mirror every morning
I thought I said goodbye to you this morning when I flushed the toilet
Funny you should call me an ugly bitch, your daddy likes to call me princess and other beautiful names, while he is dry humping my leg
I love it when you call me by your mom's name... Turns me on.
If you're trying to improve the world, you should start with yourself. Nothing needs more help than you do
I could eat a whole bowl of alphabet soup, shit it out, and have something better than u just said.
Shut up, I'm not your mirror
Behind every bitch there's a man who made her that way! 
Look who's talking about themselves again 
See ya and take care.. and by see ya I mean go fuck yourself and by take care I mean go fuck yourself.
People say laughter is the best medicine. Your face must be curing the world.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
You're spreading rumors about me? At least you found a hobby spreading something other than your legs.
the fact that jellyfish survived for 650 million years with no brains is good news for stupid people like you
Zombies are looking for brains. Don't worry. You're safe.
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breath. I think you own it an apology
Well..fuck you very much
If you spoke your mind, you would be speechless
i would tell you to eat trash but that’s cannibalism
''ha-ha you failed '' "yeah so did your dads condom"
"You're gay" - "At least I'm not a homophobe"
"youre gay" - "I guess you would know better since you were biting the pillow last night"
I can fix my ugliness with plastic surgery but you on the other hand will stay stupid forever
Acting like a dick won't make yours any bigger
If I wanted to hear from an asshole, I wotld have farted
"suck my dick" -  "i would but my mom always told me not to put small things in my mouth"
"Call me a b*tch again i dare you"
"That's right b*tches do what their told"
"FAIL!" - "no one asked you for your life story."
Roses are red. Violets are blue. God made us beautiful. What the f*ck happened to you?
You remind me of a penny, two faced and f*cking worthless!
"your ugly" - "and your living proof that abortion should be legal"
Keep rolling your eyes. Who knows, maybe you'll find a brain back there.
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one.
I've met some pricks in my time but you my friend, are the f*cking cactus
"Why do you even wear a bra? You have nothing to put it in."
"You wear pants, don't you?"
Someone gives you the middle finger*  - "i have one of those too except i use it on your mom!"
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
In what chapter do you shut the f*ck up?
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you abuse the privilege.
I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.
You're just mad because Miley Cyrus has a longer Dick than you do
I'm sorry what'd you say? I have an ear disease called I don't care.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I cant stick my head that far up my ass.
If the "you are what you eat" saying is true, then you must be a dick.
I'm sorry I didn't get that.. I don't speak idiot
If you're going to be two faced, at least make on of them pretty
I'd slap you, but that would be animal abuse
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass. 
Out of millions of sperm, you were the fastest?
Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you can breathe. I think you owe it an apology. 
Hey, Rainman called. He wants his social skills back 
I like you, you remind me of how it feels after I drop a huge deuce in the toilet
Someone got up on the wrong side of the cage this morning
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you’ll find one.
I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.
I know I’m talking like an idiot. I have to, other wise you wouldn't understand me.
"You're ugly" - "thanks I was trying to look more like you today"
I hope your day is as pleasant as you are.
I've been called worse things by better people.
I wish we could be better strangers.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who care what you think, and people like me.
You're so dumb, your brain cell died of loneliness
Everyone is entitled to be stupid but you're abusing the privilege
Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?
You're not stupid, your just possessed by a retarded ghost
You shouldn't let your mind wander..its way to small to be out on its own
I don't know what makes you so dumb, but its working
Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade
Roses Are Red Violets Are Blue, I got 5 Fingers The Middle One Is For You 
You should put the diaper on your mouth, that's where the craps comin' out.
"You're ugly." "You say that because the standards of beauty on your planet are far different from the ones on Earth."
If someone says f*** u say how hard and walk away. works every time!
Sometimes I wonder if your butt is jealous of all the crap that comes out of your mouth.
Wow that was a low blow! Speaking of low blows how's your mother
Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything
If you’re waiting for me to care, you better pack a lunch. It’s gonna be a while 
You would be much more likable if it wasn’t for that hole in your mouth that noise comes out of. 
I'm fat because every time I did your mom she gave me a cookie
If you got a problem, take it up with my ass because that the only thing that give a crap
You should wear a condom on your head because if you're going act like a dick, you might as well dress like one
I'm sorry, talking with you sounds about as appealing as playing leapfrog with unicorns
Why don't you go outside and play hide and go f*ck yourself
I can't seem to find my dick.. mind if I look you your mothers mouth
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits as I will not take advantage of the handicapp
If ignorance it bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth
you must have a large brain to hold all that ignorance
Some babies were dropped on their heads but clearly you were thrown at the wall
Could you go away please, I'm allergic to douchebags
I had this awesome dream where you just shut th efuck up for once and it was amazing. Felt like I as in OZ
Life is like toilet paper, you're either on a role or your taking shit from some asshole
There is a fine line between sarcasm or just being an asshole
If I wanted to be a bitch, all I would need to do is act like you
If you're going to act like a turd, go lie in the yard
Why do you keep coming back to me? You're like herpes
What died on your neck? Oh, it's your head
Why don't you shut up and give that hole in your face a chance to heal
If you had any intelligence to question I would have questioned it already.
I wish I had a lower I.Q,  maybe then I could enjoy your company.
My mother is more of a man then you..and she's a woman
I'm sorry, were you talking to me? I can't hear you over the ugly of your face. 
I don't have the time or energy to sink to your level; you have a nice day though.
I would answer you back but life is too short, just like your d*ck
Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
Were you always this stupid or did you take lessons
So are you an asshole by choice or were you born that way?