Funny Sex One-Liners
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
Anal intercourse is for assholes.
As Benny Hill once said:
"Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth control has already been born?"
I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.
Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to support for a lifetime.
Found written on a restroom wall once:
Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend!
Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get!
I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me!
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!
When you're feeling so low that you have to reach up to touch bottom, whose bottom you touch can make a big difference.
Sex is like a bridge game; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Sex is like a bridge game; if you have a good hand, no partner is needed.
Definition of an orgasm: gland finale.
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
If God had preferred us to have laughter rather than sex, do you think he would have put two Jews in the Garden Of Eden? No! He would have had two Jews walking into a bar. -
If God hadn't meant the pussy to be eaten, he wouldn't have made it look like a taco.
If God had not meant man to have sex with a goat, why put the horns in such a handy position? - Smith and Jones
I was snatched in the prime of youth by someone who was primed in the snatch of youth!
Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:
Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup; the best part is remembering the name of the person sleeping next to you.
The difference between a sex maniac and a regular maniac is that a regular maniac slits your throat.
This beautiful woman says, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."
I figure what the heck, so I show her mine. Then she shows me hers. Hers is bigger.
Would you send your son to a school run by someone who insisted on being called "Headmaster?"
You really have to hand it to the blind prostitute...